Retro Video Game Ratings Guide

Any ratings system is biased and largely worthless when plotted on a numeric scale. We primarily rate games on how much fun they are rather than the traditional Graphics, Sound and Game Play methodology. If a game takes us to favorite childhood memory or on an awesome adventure, we'll give it a good rating even if it sucks ass in the traditional sense. However, on those occasions when we favor a game that sucks ass, we'll always mention it's ass-sucking qualities even though we still dig it.

Playing video games isn't just about beating games, defeating bosses or getting high scores - it's about having FUN! We regularly have a blast paying some of the worst-reviewed games to ever hit retail shelves.

Since many of these games are decades old, we try to set a context to each title, evaluate on the game's own merit, respect it's release date/era and call out features we liked/disliked. Since everyone likes a point-scale, we complied. :)

And why the Hell is everything reviewed with "stars"? Forget that - we went with Spaceships!

8-Bit Central's Spaceship Rating System

	One Spaceship: Bad concept, bad game play and not much fun.
	Two Spaceships: Bad game play, but still fun to play now & then.
	Three Spaceships: Middle of the road, not great - not bad. A game we still Love to play a lot.
	Four Spaceships: Great game, tons of fun to play, but we know there are a few games a "little bit better" so this one gets 4 spaceships.
	Five Spaceships: the end-all be-all of video gaming fun and entertainment.

Sometimes you'll see ½ Ships when we couldn't decide between two rating tiers. This is mostly used as a cop-out for games we adore, but we don't want to hear a lotta shit for giving them 5-Ship ratings :)

"Holy Shit!" Fun Facts

Video games are fun & exciting. Game reviews are boring.
We do our best to keep your attention and not drone on about video processor chips and their ability to render. Bank-swapping on the 2600 is a fascinating concept, but playing Asteroids is where our hearts lie. Still, we try to spice things up with some trinkets of knowledge that might make you say, "Holy shit!"

Final Judgements for each rating

We close out each review with a quick synopsis and a "Thumbs-up" or "Thumbs-down" to compliment our kick-ass 5-point spaceship rating system.

ESRB's Rating System

The ESRB ratings system is similar to the MPAA system used for movies, except no one really knows what to expect of a game based solely on it's ERSB rating. For example we all know you can only say "Fuck" once in a PG-13 film.

Deciphering ratings systems can be difficult, but we can help - sort of...

	Rating Categories
	EARLY CHILDHOOD - Titles rated EC (Early Childhood) have content that may be suitable for ages 3 and older. Contains no material that parents would find inappropriate.
	EVERYONE - Titles rated E (Everyone) have content that may be suitable for ages 6 and older. Titles in this category may contain minimal cartoon, fantasy or mild violence and/or infrequent use of mild language.
	EVERYONE 10+ - Titles rated E10+ (Everyone 10 and older) have content that may be suitable for ages 10 and older. Titles in this category may contain more cartoon, fantasy or mild violence, mild language and/or minimal suggestive themes.
	TEEN - Titles rated T (Teen) have content that may be suitable for ages 13 and older. Titles in this category may contain violence, suggestive themes, crude humor, minimal blood, simulated gambling, and/or infrequent use of strong language.
	MATURE - Titles rated M (Mature) have content that may be suitable for persons ages 17 and older. Titles in this category may contain intense violence, blood and gore, sexual content and/or strong language.
	ADULTS ONLY - Titles rated AO (Adults Only) have content that should only be played by persons 18 years and older. Titles in this category may include prolonged scenes of intense violence and/or graphic sexual content and nudity.
	RATING PENDING - Titles listed as RP (Rating Pending) have been submitted to the ESRB and are awaiting final rating. (This symbol appears only in advertising prior to a game's release.)
	WHATEVER - OK. we made up the "Whatever" rating.
	Interactive Elements
	SHARES INFO - Indicates that personal information provided by the user (e.g., e-mail address, phone number, credit card info, etc.) is shared with third parties.
	SHARES LOCATION - Includes the ability to display the user's location to other users of the app.
	USERS INTERACT - Indicates possible exposure to unfiltered/uncensored user-generated content, including user-to-user communications and media sharing via social media and networks.

For more info on how to "suck less as a parent" and choose suitable games for your rug-rat, visit the ESRB web site. Don't forget your inalienable right to sue the shop-clerk when your 12-year-old comes home with a game full of bloody carnage and foul language. :)

Perhaps you'd like a little less help.

	Rating Categories
	Teletubby bullshit.
	Games you'll be forced to play with your little brother/sister.
	Games you can suggest when shopping with your parents.
	Games your parents will rarely pay for.
	Parents don't want blood, gore, foul language or nudity on their TV unless they think they're alone.
	For an immersive sexual experience a girlfriend/boyfriend is usually better than a video game.
	Bullshit marketing ploy by lame game companies who want you to think their upcoming game will be rated MATURE when they know damn well it's going to be rated TEEN.
	The "WHATEVER" rating is for games who's rating is fucking absurd.
	Interactive Elements
	Random degenerates know who you are.
	Random degenerates know where you are.
	Random degenerates will try to send you unsolicited selfies.

Come on - that was pretty funny!
We respect the ESRB and encourage you to visit the ESRB web site for info on their rating system. Without this ratings system, stupid parents would have no idea what they were buying for their kids. We completely understand kid's needs to have the latest gory action game, but the E crowd really shouldn't be playing M games... Sorry, kiddies.

Check out our list of reviewed games.

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Printed:

• Spaceship Ratings |
• Holy Shit! |
• Final Judgement |
• ESRB Ratings